How to Deal with Regret. A Practical Guide
regret is one of the most studied emotions in decision research, and one of the most misunderstood. its purpose is to teach. its trap is to repeat. the difference is in how you handle the counterfactual.
By Omar Rantisi, Founder of Therma8 min read
what regret actually does for you
regret is the emotion you feel when you compare what is to what might have been. researchers call this counterfactual thinking, and neal roese at northwestern university has done some of the most influential work mapping how it operates. counterfactuals come in two main types. upward counterfactuals imagine better outcomes (if i had taken that job, things would be better). downward counterfactuals imagine worse outcomes (if i had not left when i did, things would have been worse). both serve functions. upward counterfactuals tend to produce regret and inform future decisions. downward counterfactuals tend to produce relief and reinforce current decisions. the functional theory of counterfactual thinking, developed by roese and colleagues, holds that regret is not pathological.
it is information. when you regret a choice, your brain is encoding the difference between actual and possible outcomes so you can choose better next time. this is why even chronic regret often features hyper-specific replay: your brain is trying to extract the rule. neuroimaging research adds nuance. amygdala activation correlates with self-blame regret, suggesting that regret tied to perceived personal responsibility is processed partly as a threat to self-concept, not just as decision feedback. this is consistent with the clinical observation that regret tied to who you are (i am the kind of person who x) is harder to resolve than regret tied to what you did (this specific choice did not work). research also shows perceived control matters. when people perceive greater personal control over an outcome, upward counterfactual thinking and regret intensify. this is why regret over actions (which you controlled) is often more acute than regret over inactions in the short term, though over decades the pattern reverses and regret over things not done tends to dominate.
“regret is information. once you have read the message, you do not have to keep opening it.”
why most regret advice misses
the standard advice falls into two camps. camp one says regret nothing, you made the best decision with what you knew. camp two says learn from your regrets and move on. the first denies the emotion's function. the second skips the work. functional regret has a specific structure: feel it, extract the lesson, integrate the lesson, release. each step matters. if you skip the feeling, the lesson does not register. if you skip the lesson, the feeling becomes loop. if you skip the release, you live in the past tense. the second failure mode is conflating different kinds of regret. there is regret over choices that turned out badly (you could have known and did not, or did know and did not act on it). there is regret over choices that turned out badly because of factors you could not have predicted. there is regret over choices that were right at the time but no longer fit who you are now. these have completely different processing paths.
the first asks you to look at how you make decisions. the second asks you to release control you never had. the third asks you to grieve a past self while embracing the current one. the third failure mode is the perfection trap. some people regret everything because every choice could have been better. this is usually not regret. it is perfectionism dressed as moral seriousness. it is also corrosive. genuine regret targets specific decisions. chronic generalized regret targets your sense of self and is a different problem. the fourth failure mode is comparison without limit. you can always find someone who took a different path and ended up happier or richer or more accomplished. the comparison does not produce useful regret. it produces ambient dissatisfaction. functional regret stays specific to your own choices and your own information at the time.
how to use regret without being used by it
step one: name the specific regret. write it down. i regret x, because y, and the outcome was z. specificity is essential. vague regret does not process. step two: classify it. is this regret about a choice you made with insufficient effort, a choice you made with full information that turned out badly, or a choice that was right at the time but no longer fits. each requires a different response. step three: if it is the first kind (you could have known and did not), extract the rule. what specifically did you not do, what would you do differently now, what is the principle. write it. you have now done the job regret was designed to do. step four: if it is the second kind (you did your best with what you knew), the work is acceptance, not extraction. there is no rule to extract because the rule would have required information you did not have. acceptance does not mean approval.
it means recognizing the limit of your foresight. self-compassion practice helps here. step five: if it is the third kind (the choice was right at the time but no longer fits), the work is grieving the past self, not blaming them. the person who made that choice did not know what you know now. you are allowed to outgrow your own decisions. that is not failure. that is being alive. step six: notice if the regret keeps regenerating. if the same regret cycles through your mind for months despite doing the work, something else is happening. usually the regret is touching an older wound or pattern (i am the kind of person who always chooses wrong). the meta-pattern needs work, often with therapy. step seven: forgive the past version. without bypassing, without minimizing, the past version of you made the best choice they could with what they had. you would not let a friend live in a continuous indictment of their past self. apply the same to yourself.
How to do it
- 1name the regret specifically
i regret x, because y, the outcome was z. write it down. vague regret does not process and does not teach. specificity is the first move. you cannot release what you have not named.
- 2classify what kind of regret it is
three kinds. one, you could have known and did not (extract the rule). two, you did your best with what you knew (accept the limit of foresight). three, the choice was right at the time but no longer fits (grieve the past self). each kind has a different work to do.
- 3forgive the past version of yourself
they made the best choice they could with the information they had, in the state they were in. you would not let a close friend live in continuous indictment of their past self. apply the same to yourself. without this step, the regret cannot fully release.
Journal prompts to sit with
- 01what specific regret has been on my mind, and what kind of regret is it?
- 02what would i have needed to know in order to have made a different choice then?
- 03what is the lesson in this regret, and have i actually integrated it?
- 04what would i say to a close friend who made the exact same choice in the exact same situation?
- 05who in my life would tell me this regret has been carried long enough, and would they be right?
Common questions
is regret bad?
no. regret is one of the more useful emotions for decision-making, when it does its job. the trouble is when it loops past the point of teaching anything. functional regret extracts the lesson, integrates it, and releases. corrosive regret repeats the same evaluation without producing new information, usually because the underlying issue is not the specific decision but something older or broader about self-worth.
do people regret actions or inactions more?
depends on the timeframe. in the short term (days to months), people typically regret actions more (the thing they did that backfired). over longer timeframes (years to decades), people typically regret inactions more (the thing they did not do, the risk they did not take, the conversation they avoided). this is one of the more robust findings in regret research. it has practical implications for current decision-making: when in doubt, the longer-term regret is more often about not having tried.
how do i stop ruminating on a specific regret?
first, check whether the regret has done its job. write down the lesson. if you can name what you would do differently and why, the regret has informed you. the rumination after that point is loop, not function. interrupt the loop somatically (paced exhale, brief movement), close the open tab cognitively (write the conclusion in your notes), and let the spike pass when it returns. if the rumination persists for months, the issue is usually not the specific regret but a pattern of self-blame that benefits from therapy.
is it possible to live without regret?
probably not, and probably not desirable. people who feel no regret at all often miss the data their feelings would otherwise provide. mild regret is part of normal decision-making and learning. the goal is not the absence of regret. it is regret that does its job and then releases, rather than regret that loops and corrodes. that is achievable.
should i act on a regret by changing something now?
sometimes yes, sometimes no. if the regret points to a decision that is still reversible (a relationship you can re-engage with, a path you can still pursue, an apology you can still make), acting on it can be powerful. if it points to something genuinely closed (a deceased relative, an opportunity that has passed), action in the past is impossible and the work is acceptance. confusing these two is the common error. acting on a genuinely closed regret usually backfires. accepting a genuinely open regret leaves growth on the table.
when should i see a therapist about regret?
if a specific regret has persisted for more than several months despite doing the work. if regret is global rather than specific (you regret nearly everything). if it is connected to a sense that you are fundamentally flawed or unworthy. if it is interfering with current decisions because you are afraid of repeating the past. all of these suggest the regret has become entangled with deeper patterns that often respond well to therapy.
Related guides
Sources
- 01
- 02
- 03Amygdala involvement in self-blame regret · PMC, NIH
Omar Rantisi
Founder of Therma. UCLA Math + Sociology. Building tools for the space between silence and therapy. Not a therapist. Just someone who needed this to exist.
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